I am a quitter and I want to change

They tell you to follow your dreams. But what if you don’t have a dream?

I actually never knew what I wanted to do, or perhaps, I never had the will or persistence.

When I was a kid, I started piano, and I stopped

I started tennis and I stopped

I started volunteering and I stopped

I started photography and I stopped

I was always known to be a quitter, a quitter with momentarily obsession and ambition, but I wasn’t really quite conscious of it. I wasn’t conscious of the fact that I was acting lazy, that I needed courage and confidence. I am very good at giving advises and motivating my family and friends, but don’t necessarily follow them (maybe briefly).

Until one day, I looked at my father, the love of my life, and I realized I was just like him…

I was dreading my father for being a failure, and I realized I was just like him. This is when I decided to change.

In fact, it isn’t an easy process. I am still working on it. Starting a blog was the first thing that I did. One of the habits I want to build in my daily life, in an attempt to change my behavior. I want to know what I really want, and not do what is expected from me. I want to know what I really want, and work hard to get there. I need consistency and persistence. I need to work on my confidence and fears. And building new habits, one by one, is hopefully going to help me do that.

 

We all need that ‘FEAR’

Yesterday, I was watching FRIENDS- S3 E11, the one where Rachel quits her job.

 

Rachel was fed up with settling with the waitress job, even though she actually stopped pursuing her dreams for past couple of year, or let’s say got too comfortable and kind of forgot to pursue them, lost in her daily life.

It wasn’t until she quit her job, that she started looking for the one she wanted, aggressively and actively. It was that ‘fear’ that pushed her, being out of a job. I think we all need that ‘fear’ to pursue our dreams, as we can get too comfortable.

I am struggling to keep my motivation up every day, and I keep postponing the tasks that need to be done. I WANT a lot of things in life but I don’t DO anything about it… because there is no urgency. I think this is what I need. I need the ‘fear’.

Dealing with very early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy)

I hit a rough patch the past couple of weeks. No gym, not able to wake up early as planned, no motivation, feeling down.

It has been an exhausting and overwhelming experience –  having an early miscarriage – week 4.

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One week before my period was due and with no symptoms whatsoever, I just knew, I knew I was pregnant. I felt it in my heart. I was trying not to get excited, I was trying really hard though. On the day of my missed period, I took 2 home kit tests and both were positive but with one faint line and one dark line (usually it is two dark lines). I read throughout the whole leaflet, went through all the blog posts and articles I could find online, to try and understand if that is a sure positive or not.

It all said that it means I am most likely pregnant but to take a test in a couple of days better to be sure. Faint line is normal at this stage, since the level of HCG is low. However, some faint lines are just lines filled with air. It was all a bit too confusing to me, so I had to impatiently wait for couple of days.

Meanwhile, I did not inform any of my husband or family, not to get them excited for nothing. But I was getting excited, excited and confused and overwhelmed. I impatiently waited for 2 days to pass and I took another test and two lines appeared again, one faint line and one dark line.

I felt so frustrated because I was still worried this didn’t actually mean I was pregnant, but at the same time I felt I definitely was. I even thought about how I would surprise my hubby with the news, and bought baby red converse shoes, to surprise him with the utmost gift. I also downloaded pregnancy applications on my phone, and started researching for books to read in the coming months!

When I spoke to the doctor, he said that 3 tests with two lines should mean it is a positive pregnancy and asked me to take a blood test and go see him after the results were up. Few days passed (since it was the weekend) and I took a blood test in the morning. It was around 9:30 AM, as I had to wait my husband to leave the house. I was planning on surprising him this evening. I was told the results will be done by 3 PM. It was the longest 5 hours of my life. I couldn’t focus on work. I was shaking, waiting impatiently for the clock to hit 3 already, crying frantically, not sure why. I blamed it on hormones, but I think deep down I knew it will come negative, and it did.

I waited till 3:04 PM to call the lab so I don’t seem so desperate, and they told me I was not pregnant. I was crushed, I had my whole life pictured ahead of me, my whole future, I was finally going to become a mother, like I always dreamt of.

I was lost in a roller coaster of contradicting emotions. Call me crazy but I was still hoping the results were wrong. I was 10 days late, a first after 2 years of steady period. I read online that some women were pregnant for several months, and still got negative blood tests. I think I hurt myself even more but giving myself false hope.

It was very helpful to read all those blog posts from women who experienced what I experienced, but sometimes what you find online is not always good for you, especially when you give yourself false hope, and get even more devastated when you realize this time is really not IT.

The week after, I went to the doctor, he said I must have had an early miscarriage but that is Ok. This actually happens to a lot of women, who sometimes are not even aware they were pregnant. I felt super down, I told my husband the news that evening and his reaction was so casual that it killed me. I felt so alone, so not understood. I was feeling so low, and he was acting so casual about it. He just didn’t understand what I was going through.

When he reopened the subject, showing off that his sperms were actually strong enough to cause a pregnancy, I just brushed him off and went to bed. I didn’t want to talk about it, not so causally, not jokingly. I know he did that to try and make me feel better, to try and make me laugh, but this was definitely not the time for humor, not for me.

No one other my hubby knew. I didn’t want anyone to ask me if I am feeling better, if I am doing ok. I didn’t want anyone to ask me anything whatsoever.

I felt so down. It was only during working hours, that I put all my focus and energy on work, to try and forget. But once home, I didn’t cook, I didn’t clean, I didn’t do the laundry. My house was a mess. I was so tired, physically and mentally. 15 days and still no period. I was having cramps everyday, I was down, having mood swings, I was exhausted, drained.

I thought about all those women who experienced this, not at week 4, but at week 7, 8 or 9, which I am sure is even worse. I don’t know if I could handle that. I prayed. I prayed for strength, patience and faith. This wasn’t meant to be and I trust God to have a better plan for me.

I felt guilty for putting off all that I worked on for the past month, starting a journey of self love and health, and here I am no gym for 2 weeks; starting a journey of self discovery, motivation and pursuing my dreams, and here I am in bed every night doing nothing. Then I realized, I need this. I need some time to grasp this and get back on track. It is just a bump in the road and I will get through this.

I was afraid to share my thoughts and feelings with my hubby. When I felt like crying, I would go to the bathroom, cry my heart out, then wash my face and walk out with a smile. I was embarrassed. I was worried he wouldn’t understand, like most men I know just don’t. Besides, my hubby is a very rational personal and is not very comfortable with emotions. He considers emotions as a weakness (even though sometimes, he can be even more emotional than me!) I was worried he would tell me to get it together, which would make me feel worse. I was worried he would make me feel worse.

But then, I had to tell him. I had to explain to him why intimacy was paining me. I wasn’t feeling well, I wasn’t ready for any – I would feel invaded. I didn’t want him to think he is to blame. He asked me what’s wrong and I cried, I cried and cried. I let it all out. Having a miscarriage had its tole on me and I am sorry. He looked at me with sad eyes, which surprised me. What you are going through is very normal, I totally understand, you don’t have to be sorry, he held me so tight.

I loved him even more that day, like I do every day. He never fails to surprise me. I am so lucky to have him in his life. His support helped me get back on my feet. I actually did the dishes that day lol. I felt so alive and ready for life. I realized it was Ok to be sad. I realized everything will be Ok.

I am still feeling a bit exhausted, mostly physically. I want to give myself time to heal and feel better to get back to exercising, to my daily routing, and getting back on track in my journey ahead.

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If you have read this far, thank you for listening. Writing this has helped me a lot, and I hope it helped you as well, in some way.

When you realize you have been a coward all your life

When you open your box of old stuff and souvenirs;

When you open your old diary, and read your old to-do lists, goals and dreams you wanted to pursue – lists you forgot on a dusty shelf;

When you realize you did zero of them;

When you realize you have been pursuing different things, new things;

Do you actually want those new things? or you pursuing them because you were not able to pursue your original dreams? Are you happy with the new dreams/goals? or you tell yourself you are, so you don’t feel like a failure? so you don’t admit you are a failure.

You are a failure; not because you are not persistent, nor because you don’t have discipline, but because you are a coward. You are a coward because you are afraid not to succeed, so you give up on your dreams. So you’ll have an excuse not be successful. You blame it on circumstances, and on people around you.

But was it really out of your hands? or was it actually a choice, a cowardly choice?

I have always wanted to go into psychology, or art and photography, or maybe even writing. That was before college. Now, 10 years after I graduated, I got married, bought a house with my husband, got into 4-5 different jobs, failed at having my own business which I was kind of forced into.

Today, I read that old to-do list, and I realized I am not where I really want to be. This is when I thought, I need to start my journey, to rediscover myself, will I make it? or will this be forgotten once again?

I have one of those days, every couple of months, where I stay in bed all day, drowned in anger and blame at myself for being a coward and a quitter, not able to change even though I want to.

Well, sorry Ma’am, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s time to do something about it. A coward no longer!